www.RogerWendell.com
Roger J. Wendell
Defending 3.8 Billion Years of Organic Evolution^SM

Welcome to my humor page!

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.

Child: When I grow up I want to be a socialist Parent: You can’t do both

Joke of the Month
(or whenever I get around to changing it...)

Years ago when getting a haircut the barber asked the guys ahead of me if they wanted rose water after their haircut. They all answered, "I don't want to smell like a whorehouse when I get home."
After my haircut he asked me if I wanted rose water, I said, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what a whorehouse smells like!"

Parents and Grandparents...

Dear Abby, I recently read your column advising grandparents on "tough love" for grandparents to give misbehaving grandchildren, whose own parents let them run wild. I have followed your advice, and enclose a picture demonstrating my technique when my grandson just won't behave while I'm babysitting for his parents. They have told me not to spank him, so I just take him for a ride, and he usually calms down afterward. Sign me, Tough Love Grandma

Click on any of this page's "thumbnail" images for a larger view!

In 2003 my climbing friend, Jeff Kunkle, sent me this photo stating, "Go ahead and put that picture wherever you want....it's my roommate! The picture was taken in a drunken rage while in Moab this past May. He was jealous that we all had headlamps so we made him one!"

Men and Women

Friends don't let friends take home ugly men

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle

Men respond with The Man of the Year Award:

3rd Place 2nd Place 1st Place!

Texas Bank Robber

A hooded robber burst into a Texas Bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.   On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.   The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.   He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.   Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.   The Robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"   There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. ....   Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a good look at you."

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is right and the other person is the husband... There's only one cure for a man in love... marriage! And, if that doesn't cure him, nothing will! Behind every great man stands an amazed mother-in-law. Weddings are funerals where you smell your own flowers. A boy is someone who goes through a phase in which he is extremely interested in girls. This phase usually lasts 50 years... Marriage is like a cafeteria; you take what looks good to you, and pay for it later... The honeymoon is over when she starts calling him "listen" instead of "honey."

Click Here for Women on male baldness... Click Here for the differences between men and women... Click Here for the woman's dicitonary... Click Here for The Rule

Tiger Woods' 2009 fidelity issue...

A Prayer for Grandpa! This is just too touching not to share...   "Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies on Grandpa's computer, Amen."

Why men shouldn't write advice columns...

Red Skelton on Marriage:

Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.   We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas.   I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.   I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.   We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.   She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.   My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."   She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.   She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".   Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.   I married Miss Right . I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.   I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.   The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!". Can't you just hear him say all of these? I love it. These were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun.

MEN ARE JUST HAPPY PEOPLE
(This needs no explanation - and is a fun read, no matter your gender.)

• What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
• You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
• NICKNAMES:
  If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
  If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
• EATING OUT:
  When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
  When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators.
• MONEY:
  A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
  A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
• BATHROOMS:
  A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
  The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337 A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
• ARGUMENTS:
  A woman has the last word in any argument.
  Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
• FUTURE:
  A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
  A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
• MARRIAGE:
  A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
  A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
• DRESSING UP:
  A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
  A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
• NATURAL:
  Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed.
  Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
• OFFSPRING:
  Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
  A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
• THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
  A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Jokes:

1. Janitor (Thank you Donna Williams!)
2. Awake at night with Charlie Brown (Thanks Kelly J.!)
3. Kenny and the dead donkey (A guy gave me a copy of this one while I was hiking on a trail near Loveland, Colorado...)
4. Frog at the bank (Thank you, you-know-who!)
5. $15 Porsche (Thanks Rick Graves!)
6. To be six again! (Thanks Brian W.!)
7. The blonde and the mailman (Thanks Charlie Oriez!)
8. Morals (Thanks Mike Graves!)
9. Okay, one last lawyer joke... (Thanks Randy W.!)
10. Hereafter (Thanks Helena G.!)
11. Wisdom of the Navajo (Thanks Connie M.!)
12. Wal-Mart Greeter (Thanks Dad!)
13. Texas Traffic Stop

Humerous Notes and Stories:

1. We're Getting Older
2. Amber and her golfer pants experience...
3. 21 Rules for Halloween!
4. Garrison Keillor and his thoughts about Grand Canyon...

Although I was in the service at the tail-end the Vietnam war I remained stateside - I was safely at work at a somewhat classified Naval communications facility on O'ahu. Nevertheless, a lot of my "coworkers" were coming back from Vietnam with what I thought were all kinds of interesting stories. One went like this:

Every night a young pilot would fly into Tan Son Nhut airbase from his missions and say to the control tower, over his radio, "Guess who?"

Every night the control tower would have to respond with the same warning that young pilot was required to obey proper radio discipline and refrain from unprofessional chatter on the radio frequencies.

Same thing again the next night - the young pilot flies in from his daily mission and broadcasts over the radio, "Guess who?"

The guys in the control tower finally had had enough - they shut off the runway lights and broadcast back to the young pilot, "Guess where?"

More Humerous Pix:
(Click on these thumbnails for a larger view)

Castaway - All Your Base	First Mars photo of 2004	Castaway - Election	Huge protests in 2005...
Honey, you're not really phat!		Fighting Back	Pac Man Pie chart
Computers and country folk...	Not my job...	Driving record...

Videos, Cartoons, and other Humorous Links:

1. Last Page on the Internet
2. Britney Spears - Semiconductor Physics
3. Cartoon against Bush, Blair and the war...
4. Flag
5. Gizoogle Textilizer
6. God Hates Shrimp
7. Godly Tips on How to Punish and Beat Your Christian Child
8. Google Enter the term "elgoog" and then click on the "I'm feeling lucky" button. Now do any search...
9. Star Wars Kid
10. Mc Hawking
11. Computer options
12. PLA - Phone Losers of America
13. Poodle Fitness Video with Mariko Takahashi
14. Pork Jerkey
15. Urinal Dot Net "The best place to piss away your time on the Internet"
16. All Your Base are belong to us!
17. Signs of all kinds!

Other Links:

AYBABTU Books Bumper Stickers Movies Music Poetry Politics Quotes Quote of the Quarter Quote Quiz archive page Strange and unusual stuff Tidbits and Miscellanea Toilet Matters Trivia and teasers Writing by me...

Click Here if you don't want to go anywhere...

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